Heavy Lifting/Script
''Opening Sequence'' :Amir: You're watching Jake and Amir. :Jake: That was good. :Amir: Go to hell in a handbasket. Episode :(Jake and Amir are trying to lift a dresser) :Jake: Alright, one, two, three— :Amir: Two, three, four, five, six, seven— :Jake: One two three lift! :Amir: Okay, yeah yeah. :Jake: Okay? One two three— :Amir: (Letting go of the dresser) Lift! You said lift with your legs. :Jake: I specifically didn't say that because I knew it would confuse you. :Amir: Well it did. ---- :(Amir is sitting on the dresser) :Amir: Alright new plan, I sit on here, but I inspire you to lift more than you ever thought possible. :Jake: Why don't you just get off. :Amir: Okay, done. :Jake: You're still on. :Amir: Well I'm pretty high up, bro! I don't know if I can... (Tries to ease himself off, as if he's really high off the ground) One second. ONE SECOND! ---- :(Jake and Amir are carrying the dresser along) :Amir: Hey maybe we should take out the drawers, it'll be a little lighter? :Jake: That's actually a pretty good idea. :Amir: Okay I was kidding f**ker, keep moving. ---- :(Amir is on the floor and Jake is removing one of the drawers) :Amir: Ahh I got a splinter! :Jake: You're not even near the dresser. :Amir: I got it up from the carpet. ---- :(Jake is carrying the dresser and Amir is playing a guitar) :Amir: (Singing) Fix everything by just being here. :Jake: So you're done helping? :Amir: I am helping, in a different way. :Jake: You're the one that said this needed to be out of here by 5 PM if we wanted to throw it away. :Amir: (Singing) Fine. :Jake: Fine. Put the guitar down. :Amir: (Singing) Okay. :Jake: Now. :Amir: (Singing) Sure. (Not singing) Last minute? :Jake: Down. :Amir: Okay. ---- :(Both are carrying the dresser) :Amir: Woah, nice shirt cowboy. I wish I knew how to quit you. :Jake: Are you gay, man? :Amir: What? :Jake: I just—I gotta ask. :Amir: I don't even remember what I said, let alone what "gay" means. ---- :(Back to the scene where Jake is removing a drawer and Amir has a splinter from the carpet) :Amir: (Holding up his finger) Come kiss it. ---- :(Amir is lying under the dresser) :Amir: Woah! Little help? Little help? :Jake: You said you could benchpress it. :Amir: Yeah, I can, okay? With a little help. So... little help? ---- :(Both are carrying the dresser) :Amir: Ah, dude, you owe me so big for this. :Jake: You're the one that asked me to help you. :Amir: I knew you'd throw that back in my face, that is so like you. :Jake: Not throwing anything in your face— :(Amir shoves the dresser into Jake so it hits his crotch) :Amir: C'mon. C'mon! I was kidding. I was kidding! ---- :(Jake is carrying the dresser and Amir is walking in front of him) :Amir: Here we go. Here we go. Here we go. Try to touch my hands. Try to— :Jake: It's not helping! :Amir: Okay but is it hurting? :Jake: Y—yes! :(Amir kicks the dresser into Jake's crotch again) ---- :(Amir is under the dresser again) :Jake: I leave for a second, you try to benchpress it again. :Amir: No. Oh my god it feels like my nose is bleeding, even though I know it's not. :Jake: Uh no, it just started. :Amir: Yeah, a lot. :Jake: Yeah, wow. ---- :(Jake is carrying the dresser and Amir is coming in holding and eating a pizza) :Amir: Hey hey hey, sorry sorry sorry. (Bites a pizza slice) Sorry sorry sorry. There's— :Jake: What are you—? :Amir: (Spits out the pizza) There's free pizza in the kitchen. So. Well, there was free pizza. :Jake: Come on! :Amir: Alright. (Moves to help pick up the dresser) Ready ready ready? :Jake: Swallow it first at least. ---- :(Jake puts the dresser down at the elevator) :Amir: And donesauce. :Pat: Woah, woah! What are you guys doing with my dad's antique dresser? :Amir: Woah, woah. You just got punked my Jake and Amir, BITCH! Jake, run! :Jake: No.